Mind you I'm not looking for any kind of metal, although a gift card to Cracker Barrel is always welcome. But I say this because before reading on, just note that I'm all for trying to keep as little as possible out of the crater-sized pits that we lovingly refer to as "landfills". St. D, myself, and the little Pav-ettes recycle all plastic and glass waste that we come across, and salvage every aluminum soda can to give to Pappa-P (aka my father in law) for "cash-in". It makes me feel good at the end of the day to know that, for every layer of Ozone I diminish on any given morning with my Aussie Sprunch Spray usage, I can at least keep the family sized glass mega jar of Prego from becoming someone else's backyard garden.
But as with anything else, there has to be some sort of line drawn in the sand- a limit to how far I or anyone else should go to keep garbage from becoming well, "garbage".
I was lazily reading our Wednesday edition of The Dayton Daily News when I got to the "Life" section. Always one of my favorite sections of the paper other than the obituaries, I saw an eye-catching title- "An earth friendly approach to feminine hygiene". It shows an over-abundantly happy young lady, approx. 19 years of age, on the front cover holding an illustrated "recycle" symbol surrounding a "female" icon. I suppose I wasn't as intrigued about reading as much as I WASNT intrigued about moving off the sofa, so I proceeded to read the article to appear to be "busy".
Now let me forwarn any reader about the upcoming subject matter- I'm going to talk about "menstration". I would think my male readers can handle the subject since most of you are well beyond the age of 11 where you and your buddies would "tee hee" in sex ed class, but I'm not completely convinced. I might offer too much information about the following- clotting, flow, heavy saturation... if you can't handle it, I suggest you click on your "home" page never to return to this blog again! If I ever experience prostate issues, jock itch, or erectile dysfunction, I will gladly sit over a brewskie and shoot the shit with ya...
Apparantly a woman by the name of Madeleine Shaw, a former fashion designer in Canada (eh?), has come up with a way to not only save Mother Earth from the whiles of waste, but to JAZZ UP that time of the month that most women lay around in gray sweats and oversized sweatshirts anyways. Ms. Shaw has founded a company called Lunapads, a company that sells reusable pads.
I said REUSABLE pads.
According to Ms. Shaw, there are 85,000,000 women of menstration age in North America, and among all of us Western Civilians, we conger up about 250-300 pounds of "Aunt Flo" waste in a lifetime. Her grand idea is to market a "reusable" pad that can velcro itself into your cotton lined granny panties and, once "soiled", can simply be removed and thrown into the laundry. She is quoted as saying "They're about as hard to wash as a pair of socks". They come in various sizes, ranging from pantyliner small to "say honey, hand me that beachtowel", and a bevvy of bright and fashionable colors, with groovy flower prints and Easter Egg colored pastels. Their cost- $50.99 for a three pack with an "average" life of about 5 years.
Before we go ANY further... let me chime in. Whereas I suppose the initial "concept" is noble, the reality of the entire situation doesn't sit well with me.
They come in a 3-pack- Any woman who has ever had a period can tell you that the average "curse" will last you from 4-6 days, with about 2-3 of those days flowing like a fucking beer keg. Now unless I want to do 4 loads of laundry a day, my guess is you'd be wise to purchase at least four of these "3-packs" just to make sure that I have a)a clean lunapad to put on after I scoop up the filthy one and b) I have enough of the "right sizes" for my current need. I'm now looking at an initial investment of $203.96, not including I'm sure some kind of Canadian-moose tax PLUS shipping and handling. Between me and my female cohabitants, we go through a "package" of disposibles once a month- I spend about $5.50 on said package, which in essence costs me $66.00 a year. In five years, I would say I spend about $330.00 making someone at Kotex very happy. So whereas I would still be about $100.00 ahead (over the course of 5 years mind you) if I invest in Ms. Shaw's brain child, let's discuss how much extra water we're using at the Pav household keeping these bad-boy's clean. I can guaran-fuckin-tee you that throwing a few of my DNA encrusted Lunie's into the wash with everyone's hoodies and blankies would cause a much deserved disgust, which means I would most likely have to wash the sons of bitches "by themselves"... I've had yet for anyone to bitch about putting our filthy socks in with the towels, know- what- I- mean?
She also goes onto say that for those critics that find this idea "yukky", just imagine the "yukky" chemicals that are going into our sanitary napkin products and filling up our landfills. Not for anything Ms. Shaw (who I'm now starting to envision as walking around with no makeup, a flowing Joan Biaz skirt, unshaven armpits, and some kind of body odor), but looking at these beautifully colored Lunapads, what kind of dye ya usin to pertify these bad boys up? I see blues and blacks, pinks and reds... these all natural?
Just when you think I'm finished.. there's more! As to not exclude my "plugger" sisters, Ms. Shaw has a tampon for you!
The Divacup.
Yes, you read it properly- the Divacup. The name itself pisses me off from the get-go. The marketing folks at Lunapad must have sat around some big conference table saying to themselves "Yes Pete... let's call it the DIVA cup.. that will appeal to females far and abraoad!"
The article explains, underneath the creepy picture of said device, that the Divacup's job is to COLLECT... rather than ABSORB. Now, not being a fellow "plugger", nor have I ever been, I really can't testimonialize tampons or their absorbancy. I'm sure those women that DO use tampons use them because they work for them. Soak that shit up, pull the cute little string, and insert new! I've always been amazed at how well these sons of bitches must work because, I can tell you, that Tampax must use some kind of top secret government cotton to grab and hold that shit. But the idea of inserting this plastic little "cup", and yes, the picture indicates it's about the third of the size of a shot glass, and "catching" all of that unused goop, only to "hold it" until you "empty" it, leaves my salivary glands on active dry heave duty. Whereas Lunapad provides you with a cute little draw string "bag" to house said device when not in use, it doesn't appear that the cup itself has a string or any kind of "exit" clasp. Which leads me to believe whenever you have to dispell it, a good quick SNEEZE should do the trick...
And clean up? Simple soap and water my friends! Empty your endometrian lining and it's fluid based gravy into the toilet, go over to the family bathroom sink where everyone brushes their teeth, clean it up (make sure to wash all the nooks and crannies so that the stank disappears), and shove that bad boy right back on-up there, but only AFTER you dry it off on Jr's face towel....Cost of the Divacup- $34.99...
Ms. Shaw stated that the idea hasn't "taken off" in the US as of yet (no shit lady- you gave us Tim Hortons, and we thank you, but just leave it at that!). She's hoping that "getting the word out there" will help, plus the unconfirmed claims that by using her reusable products, you will experience a "lighter and shorter" cycle (possible fucking mutated "non-chemicals" in your product.. sounds like a gift from the Devil honey). She also wants women to stop thinking of their cycle in terms of "garbage". "It's more than just an implicit culture of we take our menses and use disposable products... We're basically treating it (our periods), as garbage, but our period is really INCREDIBLE! It has the power to bring LIFE into the world".
It was about then that I envisioned myself setting this fucking freak on fire. Not for anything, but our period does NOT have the power to bring LIFE into the world Ms. Shaw. LACK OF PERIOD does, but not our period. If Flo comes to town, face it, the egg didn't split. It fucking died from lack of fertilization and is now ready to become landfill- learned that in the 5th grade, well ok, except for maybe the landfill part, but you catch my drift.
I have decided that my battle to recycle will remain strictly with glass, plastic (that hasn't been shoved up my twat), and cans. I'll continue to kill Mother Earth with my unfertilized zygotes and bloody cotton wads. I'll save my family the years of mental anguish of NOT having to throw my soiled Lunapads in with their jeans and baby-doll tees.
But thanks for the laugh Ms. Shaw... and the blog idea.
And remember....
Have a HAPPY PERIOD!
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