Saturday, April 6, 2024

 EWWWWWW THAT SMELL!

 

My sister and I were never raised to put "hammer to nail" so to speak. 

 Dont get me wrong- lil sis and I had great childhoods!  But my father was never really "hands on" when it came to home improvement- and the lovely Linda Marie had the most kick ass father in allll the land (at least the 45416), so Grandpa was always our knight in shining tool belt!

I suppose this is why we barely knew what a wrench was, let alone how to build a fence.  I recall the first time I knew the difference between a flat head and Philips head screwdriver (which wasn't all THAT long ago), and all of the sudden thought I was Bob freakin Villa!

But slowly over adulthood, and being married with a mortgage, St. D and I realized that it was much cheaper to LEARN and DIY than to hire someone to do it for us.  It was around that era that I started to first experience my first interactions with...well..."those places".  Again, I never grew up with home improvement projects being thrust upon me and if it wasn't Kmart, Rinks, Gold Circle, or Salem Mall, I just didn't SHOP THERE!  I could tell you where Funway Freeway was in said mall, but couldn't tell you what "drywall" was.  Learners, Elder Beerman, J C Penney, and Sears were my meccas, but NEVER the "Black and Decker" section of Mr. Robuck.

Those places.  Quotation makes adorned those two words, so ya just KNEW I'd explain.

I'm talking about... (pause, whew... just... the feels coming over me just THINKING about them)... HOME IMPROVEMENT STORES!

Lowes. Menards.  Possibly Home Depot (dont really hit that one much but I'm sure it would give me the same awesome sense of euphoria).  A few years back, my girlfriend and I talked of our love... our love of the the smell of walking into a Lowes- and knowing that shit was about to get REALLLLL special!  The smell hits you in the face like a brick of pesticide- MMMMMMMM my GOODNESS TAKE THAT SHIT IN!  

Whether it's a major room renovation, or needing light bulbs- "Hi I need a mega bottle of Downy Unstoppables", or "Hey um, the dog crapped on our brand new Burber, can ya point me in the direction to Floor Coverings, and the nearest pet cemetery", these utopias of blue collar just hit me where I live!  The aroma tantalizes your senses the second you walk in to find a cart... or a pallet...and I feel more alive than I normally do on a lazy Saturday.

As I was mowing our lawn this morning, (with our new self propelled Toro Mower, purchased at yea... LOWES), I began dreaming of a reason to go after I was finished.  MULCH!  BLACK MULCH FOR THE BACK GARDEN!  Once my task was complete, I knew all that I had to do was wash the sweat off of my face and run a brush through my weave to relieve it of any lawn/bush debris.  I texted Abs to let her know that I was "GOING TO LOWES"... her reply "OOOF, how embarrasing", and OFF I WENT!

As I saundered into the Lawn and Garden section, I realized that this wasn't going to be a quick "Hi I need 4 bags of Premium Black Mulch" kinda visit.  No.  I was by myself.  With a Lowes card (well ok, St D has it but ya throw them your license and they will find ya.. oh yeah,... they will).  I walked into my Graceland, and began lovingly gazing at patio furniture.  Then lawn gnomes.  I found myself eyeballing "pond fountain pumps", even though I don't own a fountain.  Or a pond.  I dreamed of gutting our kitchen (again) and replacing everything with stainless steel appliances...I ran my lawn work stained hands over PVC piping like Ralphie did the Leg Lamp in A Christmas Story.  Why?  Cus I could.

Why was I looking at Clorox Pool tablets?  Do I really need another pair of garden gloves?  (Considering I dont wear them anyways- revert back to "lawn work stained hands")  I walked down aisles looking at light fixtures, Valspar paint, and storage bins.  I breathed in the smell of ceramic floor tile, and almost did one of those Julie Andrew twirls as I got to (man..oh man..) LUMBER!  I was in my paradise.  I was in my Heaven.  Like MacLemore in a Thrift Shop, I'da bought a broken keyboard, if it smelled like Miracle Grow.

I ended up buying my 4 bags of mulch and a bottle of Dasani water- $11.08 cash.  My mental tab by the time if was all said and done? Around $93,768.14.

Ponds aint cheap.

4 comments:

  1. Girl you are singing my song. The smells, the sights, the help in their vests…..ah paradise. Hubby hates the place but is happy to let me go weekly or more often. I’m surprised they don’t welcome me by name.

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    1. GAILLLLL....like Norm in Cheers. I'D WELCOME YOU MADAM! Next Dayton visit..ITS A DATE!!!

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    2. Once you get inside one of these DIY Dream Warehouses it’s hard not to experience sensory overload! And when your experience goes tactile it’s like you have one of those visions like a psychic: you get a FLASH vision of how said item would bless your home into beautiful. I get it. I just LOVE your blog!! Thank you for sharing!

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    3. A Gail, Annette ,and Mrs. P ROAD TRIP. To the nearest Menards hahaha

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