Holy batshit- it's been four months since I posted a new blog. I vaguely remember a time when I had these sons a bitches beeboppin and scattin off my digits every other day! Not really sure what the issues have been for the "block", but it's quite possibly just lack of motivation for much of anything other than "mom and wife" duties and taking naps when possible. I suppose a more animated lifestyle would bring blog ideas from the left and right, but it could also harbor with it a few incurable STD's and jail time...
Since 2011 sprung upon us, it's difficult to say that it's been a "business as usual" few months- Harold Camping might have predicted the "rapture" (quite shittily I might add- is "shittily" even a word? Not certain, but fuck it, it's a word in my book... moving on...) for May 21st at suppa time, but if you speak to any Japanese citizen, resident of the midwest, or Charlie Sheen, they might question that it's already done occurred. Whereas I do try to find "good" in the world, 2011 has been a headscratcher to say the least, at the very minimium so far. I'd say Mother Nature, in all her whorish ways, is mostly to blame, but you can pencil in psychotic shooters, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and anyone that finds "Jersey Shore" "entertaining" on the list of culprits.
But still, in all that is me, I'm genuinely happy with life and the world. I think maybe it's a small tick of a birth defect that allows me to overlook SOME douchebags. It's also possible that because I can vent in writing, it keeps my hand from reaching for that letter opener or pair of scissors, and gutting some a-hole like a fish.
In other words, it's time for me to randomly gripe about shit that has been bothering me- they are random, they dont always make sense, but I really dont give a shit- CLEANSE THIS VENOM OUTTA MY SOUL JESUS...I gotsta make room for the second half of the year somehow!
1) As most know, I work in insurance. Property & Casualty Insurance. Let this be a lesson to you kids- STAY IN SCHOOL! I've spent most of the last few months explaining to my homeowner insureds why their premiums have gone up, and whereas I understand that the general public doesn't understand insurance, and only see their rates going up, I feel it's important to calmly try to explain to them what's happening in our industry- or at the very least have them turn on their local news any given morning and see how the weather's been. I shall illustrate by replaying an actual phone call I received at work this morning...
(ringgggg)
Me: "R--- Insurance" (yea, I dont want a bunch of whackadoos knowin where I work)
Client: "Hey there hon.. it's Mr. F------- (it's not Fucktard, but if you wanna insert that name, I wont object).. Say, why is my homeowner insurance premium goin up?"
Me: "Well I hate to break it to you, but everyone's is- honestly these carriers are losing their shirts on home and property insurance- I wish I had better news for you, but it's just what's happening nationwide"
Client: "Huh?"
Me: "Well as you can see every other day, this Spring has been a bear (yea, I said bear...wanted to say a mother fucker, but I have to keep it professional). Last year brought a lot of bad weather and losses to these carriers as well. Everytime you hear of tornados, hail, heavy wind, wildfires, locusts, and diseased toads, an insurance carrier is having to pay big money to fix all of these things, which are all covered perils (minus the locusts and diseased frogs)" Keep in mind that your insurance company as well as just about everyone's writes in these states. So even if Ohio isn't getting hit with a lot of major problems (they are fyi), your company still writes for states that are, such as Alabama, Mississipi, etc..."
Client: "So in other words, we have to pay for the bad guys problems?"
silence
Disgusted Me, but still tryin to keep it real: "Ummmmm well if you are referring to those people who have lost everything due to a catastrophic weather loss, then UMMMM.. yea, I suppose you are having to "pay" for the BAD guys...Say Mr. FUCKER... I'm looking over your loss history and see that in the last 4 years, you have turned in 3 claims, so does that make YOU one of the bad guys?"
silence (BULLLLYAAAAAAA!!!!!)
Jackass: "Well hehehe.. ok..."
Seriously kids.. stay in school...
2) Is it just me, or does that one commercial for Snickers Peanut Butter Squares bother anyone else? It portrays some lady in a conference room setting with two tripods behind her, a picture of a young man to the left, a young lady to the right. She cheerfully asks "Now which one of these tasted better?" At this point, two great white sharks start debating with each other, but come to the conclusion that "Alan" (fuck if I remember his name.. I think it was Alan, or Ted, or Walter) "tasted much better". The conference room chick reveals that YES.. Alan had JUST EATEN SNICKERS PEANUT BUTTER SQUARES!!! I dunno.. I try not to be too damn sensative, but that's just freakin gross... (again, these are random... and I have to get these out to cleanse.. so fuck off if you don't agree...)
3) I'm a HUGE NFL fan, and whereas I am hoping that this lockout bullshit can get cleared by summer so I can enjoy another 4-12 season by my Bengals, I'm to a point that I really don't care one way or the other. But the end all, beat all quote of the morning was from the Baltimore Ravens lineman Ray Lewis when he stated on some radio show that he hopes that this all gets resolved or "we are gonna see a huge increase in crime"...
Say WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA? 
Now I'm not from the po end of the ghettos, but what he's basically stating is that folks dont have anything better to do in the fall and early winter on Sunday afternoons and Monday evenings other than a) watch football or b) bust caps in someone's ass. Apparantly there is no leaves to rake. There are no naps to be taken. There isn't pumpkin patches to visit, malls to shop at, kids to play with. If professional football ceases to exist this year, people are gonna be rhymin and stealin in drunkin states- raping, pillaging, smokin crank, and takin old lady's purses. I truly hate this loud mouth idiot, but I suppose I'm not that surprised since he "got out of" a murder rap back in 2000.
4) St. D and myself have really gotten into some of the shows out there regarding "survival", "stalking", "disappearing", and what not. I'd rather watch someone talk of their will to survive a brutal attack and live to tell about it than Khloe and Lamar. And as distressing as some of these shows can be, I truly believe that they have a message- "Disappeared" sheds light on missing person's cases that have grown cold; "I Survived" gives viewers the hope that, God forbid if EVER put in a horrific situation, dont lose hope; "Stalked" gives me ideas.... (bahaha.. ok, that was uncalled for, but it is a good show... moving on...)
But there is one in particular that I have watched that I'm just not sure about- I (Almost) Got Away With It explores fugitives on the run... how some of these badasses (wearing Ray Lewis jerseys I would imagine) ALMOST got away with their crimes. I suppose we the viewers are supposed to be transfixed on how great a job law enforcement does to finally bring these b-holes to justice, but to me, all it does is accentuate how they ALMOST let these mutha fuckas get away. Plus they allow these criminals to help narrarate the show.. "Yea, after I shot the baby, I grabbed her sippy cup of juice for nourishment, then stole her dead mamma's car and booked it on outta there before the police arrived..."
I really don't care for any show that gives these convicted douchebags ANY kind of voice. Wear your orange jumpsuit and take it in the ass by "Thor" like a good little boy and fade off into oblivion.
I'm suddenly beginning to feel a little better.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to begin planning my "save Jim Tressel's job or I'll set my hair on fire with gasoline" stunt...
